I’m a virgin, but I’m someone who is constantly educating myself about sex, and is comfortable talking about it. The science behind it, the feelings, the passion, masturbation, sex positions, all that jazz.
But I just haven’t had sex yet.
Yes, I am all for “virginity is a construct”. Yes it is. But you get to a point where you’re just frustrated people see you as someone innocent and naive, and not in a position to be able to talk about this openly too.
This causes me to be massively triggered when my partner talks about it with others. She doesn’t see me as someone she is able to talk to about it because I am “inexperienced” with sex.
Personally, I feel that I am ready. It took me a long time to get here, as I previously thought I was asexual. True enough, up till 2 years ago, I thought I was happy with kisses and cuddles, and would never reach a point where I’d like to willingly have sex with someone. Fast forward 2 years with newfound knowledge, education, self love, mature fanfiction, viewing pornhub finally and erotica — I suddenly became this horny teenager who has probably matured sexually the slowest. I’m in my twenties now.
Yeah, so, let it out right? Why don’t you find someone to have sex with?
If only it were that easy! I’m ready to “do the deed” anytime with my partner, but because of codependency issues, my partner hasn’t reached a point where she wants to be sexual with me — and that’s okay. I hate, absolutely hate and loath forcing or pressurizing others to do something they don’t want to do. I don’t ever want to be that person violating consent.
To complicate things even more, I’m part of a polyamorous V-shaped monogamous triad — where my partner is interested in sexual activities with her guy partner, while we both (girl and girl) still need to work on that sexual stimulus. I understand I’ll have to wait and also focus on other aspects of life — I guess sexually maturing slower just suddenly overwhelmed with the aspects of intimacy and sex was a ‘hit by a truck’ kind of situation, and that ‘this too, shall pass’?
Anyways, it has been refreshing to let this out on ‘pen and paper’. In the meantime I will focus on the present, always be grateful for the little things and try not to let sex cloud 60% of my brain (ha-ha but oof this is true).
Is this how teenagers feel? Gosh, I’m a late bloomer indeed.
